
But there are more urgent matters to discuss. In town to promote his new book Role Models, in which he profiles the disparate figures – Little Richard, Johnny Mathis, lesbian Baltimore stripper Zorro – who shaped his life and attitudes, the Hairspray director, who'll be 65 in April, sat down with me to discuss the biggest topic of the day. No, the week. No, the year. What else but Christmas? “Well, you can't escape it,” he shrugs. “Even if you're a Muslim. If I was a Jew, I'd be pissed off that I have to look at it everywhere I go, hear that awful music. I would be mad about how much you can't escape it. So I decided long ago to embrace it. Because you can't escape it.”
And this is what we talked about...
Christmas traditions...
“I have weird traditions. I don't have a tree. I never get one, but I do decorate the electric chair in my hall, which is a prop from Female Trouble (1974). I don't even realise it's odd. I have different sets of Christmas baubles that people have made me, with serial killers and villains from movies on them. (Laughs) But everybody can make their own Christmas baubles. Get the cheapest ones, go through your sideboard and pick the ugliest pictures of your relatives and put each one on a bauble! They're great gifts, and it's cheap way to do it.”
Going out on Christmas Eve...
“It's always the most fun to go out on Christmas night, when people have escaped their family. It's the best night in bars, because people are really trying to get away from the tension of it! That's a great night to go out. Any bar. I've been looking for a new one to go to, but, in Baltimore, there's one called... Well, we've always called it The Bloody Bucket. It's not really called that, but it's known as that. So I would say go there. It's an untouched, amazing-looking bar that I wished I owned. Except I don't really wish I owned a bar cos I'd be an alcoholic! Cos you'd have to go there, or they'd steal! Who? The people that work there! So I would not like to have to be checking on my bar. But if I was ever gonna buy a bar – well, it's not for sale – that would be the one. And I would open my own version, which would be called The Pelt Room.”
Dealing with family on Christmas Day...
“I'm lucky. I have a pretty healthy family that has been good to me, and I realise that as I get older – you sometimes don't realise that when you're younger. It is important. Friends can be your family too. But if you have an abusive family, I advise taking a verbal-abuse whistle, the kind that makes dogs howl. So if they say something abusive, you pull the whistle out. But they have to have one too. We all know that there's a limit – you have to think before you say something. You can push your parents' buttons, and they can push yours, so modern maturity is about reaching that agreement to not do it. So when I go home, I've purposely never worn my pink, pointy Comme Des Garcons shoes, because of my dad. It's just an argument waiting to happen. There's no point doing that.”
Christmas music...
“Well, of course, a few years ago I put out my own Christmas album, and I also have a huge collection of Christmas CDs that I take out each year. And there are some good ones. But there are less and less these days. I tried to go find a place to buy a CD the other day, but it wasn't easy! I'm an old person – I still buy CDs. But all the Christmas music that comes out now... I want rap Christmas albums, I want punk Christmas albums. But there's less and less of that – they're thought of as novelty items, in a way. Of course, I always play Alvin And The Chipmunks at Christmas and I go see the Chipmunks movie. Is there a new one this year? I think there is! I'm for the Chipmunks. I totally bought into the Chipmunk world. I don't have any plans to release another Christmas record, though, because the music industry is so terrible now. If I was gonna do it, I'd have to produce it myself and sell on the street corner, with a Santa hat on, ringing a bell. (Laughs) I never give to the Salvation Army. Did you know they refused a donation from a gay group one year? Remember that!”
Christmas television....
“I don't ever watch television, but I would be on it, and I would write a show for it. I, personally, don't watch TV much, almost ever. But that doesn't mean I mind being on it, or writing for it, or doing it. And anyway, it comes out now as box sets, so watching television today is not like you have to be home at 8.30pm on a Wednesday night. So I don't think I'll be watching much TV over Christmas. I lived all summer in Provincetown one year and then the Iraq war broke out. I turned the TV on and it didn't work, so I called the repair man. He said, 'You had it put in wrong.' It had never worked! But I'd never turned it on once, all summer, so I never knew that. Cos with porn, you don't have to turn on the TV. (Pause) There are porn Christmas specials, you know. Jeff Stryker has one. But I also like out-of-date TV Christmas specials, like the Judy Garland Christmas special, which is staggering. So many homosexuals come over to visit! (Puts on Judy Garland voice) 'Liza!!!! There's a new gay date for you down here...!' I love Liza. I'm really glad she won the Tony last year for her show. Which I saw. Because she got all old chorus boys to perform, and they were great, even though they were in their fifties. It was a brilliant idea. (Proudly) I'm for Liza.”
Christmas movies...
“Seeing movies is part of the Christmas thing. But now, in America, Christmas week is all Oscar movies, because they wait till the very last minute of the year so you'll vote for it right then. All the serious Hollywood movies get released. Christmas movies themselves? I can't think of many good ones, except Bad Santa, and the Chipmunks. I'd definitely recommend Christmas Evil (1980), which is also known as You Better Watch Out and Terror In Toyland. That is, I think, the best one. It's about a man who believes he's Santa Claus; he spies on children and gets a job in toy factory. It's just, realistically, what Santa does, which is kind of bizarre – he spies on kids and writes notes like, 'He was a good little boy...' That's what they tell kids, right? Well, this guy does it! When he's shaving in the mirror, he realises he looks like Santa Claus. That's where it starts. He sees the shaving cream and he becomes obsessed. But Christmas movies are usually horrible. To me, at least. They're not up my alley. In fact, I was trying to make my own Christmas movie, Fruitcake. So I've been trying to make a Christmas film and I still want to. Maybe I'll do a TV special instead!”
The etiquette of playing Santa...
“It's really bad form to ask to ask fat people to be Santa Claus. Divine's mother, when they had a nursery school, made him be Santa Claus. I call it Santabuse. So if you say to any fat person, 'Oh, would you mind being Santa...?' it's really a rude thing. And people don't think it is!”
Christmas fetishes...
“Is Christmas becoming a gay holiday? Is Santa a polar 'bear'? Is he a silver fox? Do I give that a lot of thought? Yes!!! I was just in Dover Street, at the Comme Des Garcons shop, and I really think they should have a Santa Claus in there. A real skinny one in red rags with a wispy beard, and every time a child asked for something he'd say, 'You don't want that!!! Ohhhh noooo!' (Pauses) Can you have sex in a chimney? What's that called? Being a flue queen?”
The ghosts of Christmas past...
“My friends and I did terrible stuff. We stole so much. We used to drive round on Christmas Eve and break into cars. We were on speed. We'd open the presents, say, 'That's ugly,' and throw it out of the window. Or the girls would take them back with the gift stubs and exchange them... (Sighs) Terrible. (Visibly cringes) Things I feel guilty about. Divine and our friend Cookie once, they didn't have any money in Provincetown and so they sawed down a fully decorated Christmas tree. On someone's lawn – not, like, a paper mill! Then they took it home and they found out it was the sheriff's – it was on the front page of the local paper. They were terrified! (Pause) We did horrible things at Christmas, things I feel guilty about. That's why I always watch my bag – I have bad karma. Even in the green room at the Graham Norton show, I said, 'Will my bag be safe here?' They said, 'Oh, yes.' But I don't know that!!! I have really bad karma.”
His Christmas parties...
“I'm always home in Baltimore for Christmas. I'll be with my family, my mom, and I have a big Christmas party at my house on the Saturday before Christmas Eve. I invite everyone from the guy who played The Singing Asshole in Pink Flamingos to my mother. I would say that 40 per cent of the guest list are people I only see at that party. People I've known for 40 years. It's my real Baltimore party. It's not a big celebrity party, although celebrities do come sometimes, and I always like it when there's one or two there, like Debbie Harry or Rikki Lake. It's a big party – there's lots of food and drink – and it gets very crowded. And many people have been coming for 40 years.”
The importance of personally designed Christmas cards...
“I think you should send personally designed Christmas cards. I go overboard on this – I signed 1,900 of 'em before I came to London this week, which is really a lot. What's on them year? I'm not telling you! (Laughs) I'm not revealing! They're going out in the mail this week... (Sighs) It is a burden. Susan, my assistant, is always badgering me about it, because it's a big production to sort out 1,900 cards – you have to work out what the idea's gonna be, then it's gotta be printed, addressed, signed and posted all over the world. So Susan starts harassing me in June: 'What's it gonna be? Come on!' We always have fights about it. But I think it's a good one this year. I guess my favourite so far was the Christmas bauble with the dead roach in it. That's the best one. That's the one that goes for the most on Ebay, which INFURIATES me when I see it. I try to figure out who it is – and I'll cross ya off if I find out!!! Once I did find out, and it was somebody I really liked. I confronted him, and he said, 'Oh, I'm so embarrassed, I was so poor I couldn't pay my rent...' He was a punk-rock guy. So it was fine, really. I guess I just have to be a little less judgemental.”
Who to send those cards to...
“You shouldn't stay in touch with people you don't like. But, certainly, my Christmas card is part of my business. It's like sending out a calendar ever year to a barber shop with your name on it! It's part business, part private. It's been my world for... 64 years, really. I first started sending Christmas cards when I was, like, 17, so I've always done it. You send cards to the people that you want, at least once a year, to know where they are. If you move and you don't send me your new address and it comes back, you're off the list! You've gotta keep me posted! And there's some people that send me cards who I don't know, thinking I'm gonna send 'em one back. Which I never do! Tryin' to trick me! If I ask everyone I work with, 'Do we know who this is?' and they don't... Uh-huh!!!”
Buying Christmas presents…
“I have to buy presents for really a lot of people, and this year I said to some of those people, 'Let's not do it this year.' And they looked at me and said, 'What??? We've been doing that for 30 years...!' I felt really horrible. The first three people I said it to said, 'Well, we already have yours...' So I have to go and buy a huge amount of presents. But gifts are important. And it's not at all about the money you spend. I've always said you should reward gifts sexually. If somebody gives you a book, kiss 'em. If it's a book you like, French-kiss 'em. If it's a book by your favourite author, blow 'em. And if it's a book by your favourite author that you didn't even know they wrote, give a rim job!”

“A book is always what I want. If you give any book to someone, you're saying they're smart, so it's a compliment. But it does require a certain taste. I mean, you wouldn't give this book to someone like my mother, who'll be horrified by the chapter on outsider porn. But I think if it's for someone who likes any of the movies I've done, they'll like it. I don't think it's that big of risk for a present. They can always take it back, too. Even if it's signed. In the old days, they used to say, 'Sign every book, cos then the stores can't take 'em back.' But it's not true any more. They can!”
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